Nedelja, 4. IX 2005.
U ovom broju donosimo:
1. Ameba (epizode: 45 i 46)
Naša ASCII sapunica
Pismo kraljice Elizabete II, povodom neuspelih izbora u SAD (onda kad je u drugom krugu ponovo pobedio Buš)
Odgovor Džordža Buša
4. Moje ime
Karakter ljudi kojima ime počinje na "M"
U pretprošlom broju smo vam poslali kolekciju najgorih kletvi, a sada dobijate najteže uvrede (tj. kolekciju najgorih uvreda)
Najbolji citati iz kultne britanske serije "Only fools and horses"
Ljubavna pesma jednog elektrotehničara.
8. Gluparije poznatih (181-191)
Razni lapsusi poznatih ličnosti.
TO: The Citizens of the United States of America
RE: Revocation of your Independence
n the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy much. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour", skipping the letter "U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter "Z" (pronounced "zed" not "zee") and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra" e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more "bleeps" in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell -checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents? Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
|6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World series" for a|
game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girl's game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 1st is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Plzeň, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776.)
Thank you for your cooperation.
Response to Revocation of Independence
To: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
From: George Walker Bush; President; United States of America
Re: Offer of Revocation of Independence
Cc: Dick Cheney, Vice President, United States of America; Bill Gates, Chairman, Microsoft Corporation
Thank you for your kind offer to revoke our independence. It is comforting to know that our former colonial masters are thinking of our well being during our recent time of trouble. This is a welcomed change from your behavior when you were last running things over here.
As kind as the offer is, I must respectfully decline. It would not be in the best interest of the United States, or my personal legacy, for us to be once again ruled by a nation whose top culinary achievement is fish 'n chips.
Instead, I wish to inform you that the United States is undertaking a leveraged buyout of the British Isles. This takeover is being done with the help of our good friends at the Microsoft Corporation. It is part of a settlement of the recent anti-trust lawsuit whose appeals would otherwise have dragged on for much of the century.
After the completion of the buyout, the United States will take possession of the United Kingdom and Ireland. As your new overlords, we will then undertake the following actions:
1. The government will be dissolved. Ireland and England will be given non-voting representation in the U.S. Congress, a status on par with Puerto Rico, Guam,the District of Columbia… and, in case you forgot, the American Colonies in Parliament.
2. Scotland will hereby be known as "Gatesland." Kilts will be outlawed.
3. Loch Ness will be drained so we can finally figure out what the hell is down there.
4. The monarchy will be immediately abolished and
all royal properties and possessions sold at auction. You and your family will have to actually work for a living.
5. Northern Ireland will be physically cut out of the British Isles using satellite-based lasers developed for the Star Wars program. The Atlantic fleet will then tow the new island to a location 50 miles due north of Iceland, where it will remain until such time as its leaders learn to get along.
6. Baseball and football will replace cricket and "football." Cricket is too confusing, and you guys were never very good at "football," anyway. I mean, it's your national sport, and the last time you won the World Cup was in what...1966? We won one last year.
7. You will start driving on the right side of the road. The change will take place at exactly 7:25 AM on the first non-holiday Monday following the takeover. You are not to make the change even a minute earlier, nor a minute later.
8. You will immediately revert to American spelling and measurements. Program has one "m," color no "u," and double quotation marks are required unless it's a quote within a quote. To assist, we will issue everyone a copy of "Elements of Style." There will be a quiz in 6 months. Metric measurements are hereby abolished. 35° just does not sound very hot; 95° does. Not that it ever gets that warm over there.
9. The "Spice Girls" will be arrested and imprisoned in the Tower of London. A new all-American lineup will feature:
Hot Spice Jennifer Lopez
Domestic Goddess Spice Roseanne Barr
Brainy Spice Cindy Crawford
Anorexic Spice Calista Flockhart
Irritating Spice Dennis Rodman
UK evening news programs will be presented by Daljit Dhaliwal. In a
11. The American and British armed forces will begin immediate preparations for a new invasion of Normandy. Our war slogan will be "Free France from the French!" That'll teach 'em to be snooty to us.
Negotiations will begin immediately. If you cooperate, things will
go very smoothly. If not, this could turn into a hostile takeover. Between Bill Gates and the Atlantic Fleet, that could turn out to be very ugly. Remember, we've beaten you once before and later saved your ass in that sequel to World War I. So, you should feel both fearful and grateful.
Please call if you have any questions. I look forward to hearing from you shortly.
George Walker Bush
President, United States of America
● Tvoja slika je lijek za
● Jedina stvar u čemu si dobar je ružnoća.
● Vidio sam bolja tijela na otpadu automobila.
● Ogledala ne mogu lagati o izgledu, a srećom za tebe, ne mogu se ni smijati.
● Toliko si zgodan da moraš glumiti orgazam dok mastrubiraš.
● Da ode u kukuruz vrane bi vratile kukuruz koje su ukrale prošle godine.
● Mrzim tvoj pristup, da vidim kakav je odlazak.
● Ima žalosno lice, svi ga žale!
● Jedini problem s licem - je lice.
● Učlani se u Ku Klux Klan -izgledaćeš bolje s kapuljačom.
● Nije ženska ružna. Samo ima manu između ušiju – lice.
● Izgledaš kao milion – dana.
● Čak i podbradak ti ima podbradak.
● Ja volim prirodu unatoč tome što ti je učinila.
● Seljaci će ti platiti da staneš na sred polja.
● Kad pojedeš limun, ON se ukiseli.
● Najbolje sredstvo za kontracepciju je tvoje lice.
● Kad uđeš u trgovinu ugase se kamere za nadzor.
● Koliko naplaćuješ da ukiseliš mlijeko?
● Da te Mojsije vidio bila bi još jedna zapovjed.
● Nikad nisam mislio da nešto izgleda kao ti, a da se ne mora iskopati.
● Oprosti, odoh popiti kavu. Moram smiriti živce da te opet mogu pogledati.
● Ona je vrsta cure koju vodiš u kino da pogledaš film.
● Njena slika me odvikla od pretraživanja profila na netu.
● Kladim se da ti je zrcalo napravilo samoubojstvo
● Kad pogledaš u zrcalo dobiješ 7 godina nesreće.
● Izgledaš kao da ti je faca gorila i neko je izgasio s sjekirom.
● Kad baci bumberang on odbija da se vrati.
● Otišao je na natjecanje ružnih i nije prošao - rekli su da ne primaju profesionalce.
● Kad se rodio majka je rekla: "Koje blago", a tata: "Ajmo ga zakopat".
● Njen izgled je pretvorio Meduzu u kamen.
● Kad se pogleda u zrcalo, odraz se izmiče.
● Imaš figuru kao pješčani sat. Šteta što se pijesak neravnomjerno rasporedio.
● Da je ružnoća kažnjiva dobio bi doživotnu.
● Kad si se rodio doktor je pljusnio svakog osim tebe.
● Priroda je okrutna. Ako ne vjeruješ - pogledaj u ogledalo.
● Faca ti izgleda ko da je vrat povratio.
● Htio sam ti razbiti facu, al me priroda pretekla
Ostavila si me samog sa pitanjem bola,
Zašto struja za naponom kasni za pi pola?
Sad utehu svoju tražim u čašama vina,
nisam znao kol'ka ti je talasna dužina.
Da l' si ti za mene mlada il' sam ti ja mator,
ti si svoj stav promenila kao transformator.
Pustila si druge ljude da nam ljubav gaze,
trofaznu si struju htela sa četiri faze.
Kao što za generator trebaju magneti,
tako i ti meni trebaš i zimi i leti…
I dokle je om za otpor, za ugao teta,
čak i duže voleću te, sve do kraja sveta.
1. "Čuješ li me? Stisni mi ruku jedanput za da, dvaput za ne!"
Policijski detektiv pri ispitivanju ranjenog policajca
2. Dečki više ne mogu zaraditi 15 do 20 milijuna dolara pa zato moraju igrati zbog ljubavi prema igri.
Penny Hardaway, NBA košarkaš
3. Ponekad napišu (novinari) ono što sam rekao, a ne ono što sam mislio.
Pedro Guerrero, bejzbol igrač o novinarima
4. Ljudi koji dobro izgledaju me ne uzbuđuju pretjerano. Uključujući i mene samog.
5. Kad bi lica barem govorila...
Pat Summerall, sportski komentator tijekom prijenosa Super Bowla
6. Gledala sam "Mnogo vike nizašto" triput. Jako dobra komedija, puna humora… ja nisam baš navikla na takvu vrstu kulture i umjetnosti.
Pamela Lee, komentirajući film Kennetha Branagha preradu Shakespeareove drame
7. Igram nogomet i ne pokušavam biti profesor. Ispiti mi nemaju smisla jer vam mjere inteligenciju na temelju nečega što u školi niste prošli.
Ray Forsythe, igrač američkog nogometa dok je bio brucoš
8. Tako je jednostavno biti mudar. Samo smislite nešto glupo za reći i onda to ne kažete.
9. Ljudi u Americi vrlo su darežljivi i oprostit će gotovo svaku slabost, osim možda gluposti.
10. Rješenje nije odgovor.
Richard Nixon, bivši predsjednik SAD-a
11. Dopuštena vozila nisu dozvoljena!
znak na jednoj američkoj autocesti