Nedelja, 22. I 2006.
U
ovom broju donosimo: Bilans za prethodnu godinu
Da
li ste znali da su nazivi automobila u stvari skraćenice? 4.
Mućke Kraj feljtona 5.
Ove nedelje u bioskopu "Ode on"
Najava i
kratak sadržaj filma "Plač na ramenu" 5.
Internet Pitanja postavljena tehničkoj službi 7.
Mućke Tekst pesme na završnoj špici 191 filozofska misao (59-75) |
ijekom protekle godine pokušao sam sa tobom voditi ljubav 365 puta.Uspio sam 36 puta, što je u prosjeku jednom u 10 dana.
Evo liste koja će ti pokazati zasto nisam uspjevao češće:
- 54 puta plahte nisu bile čiste - 17 puta je bilo suviše kasno - 49 puta si bila previše umorna - 20 puta ti je bilo previše toplo - 15 puta si se pretvarala da spavaš - 22 puta si imala glavobolju - 17 puta si se bojala da ne probudimo djecu - 16 puta ti je liječnik zabranio seks - 12 puta ti je bio loš datum u mesecu - 19 puta si morala rano ustati - 9 puta si rekla da ti nije do seksa - 7 puta si izgorjela na suncu - 6 puta si do kasno gledala televiziju - 5 puta nisi htjela da pokvariš novu frizuru - 3 puta si rekla da će nas čuti susjedi - 9 puta si rekla da će nas čuti tvoja majka! Od onih 36 puta kad smo uspjeli voditi ljubav, seks nije bio zadovoljavajući iz slijedećih razloga: |
- 6 puta si ležala kao klada
- 8 puta si me podsjetila na pukotinu na plafonu
- 4 puta si mi rekla da napokon završimo s tim
- 7 puta sam te morao probuditi da ti kažem da sam svršio.
- Jednom sam pomislio da sam te povrjedio pošto sam primjetio da se treseš!
MOM DRAGOM!
Mislim da si malo pobrkao stvari. Evo razloga zašto od mene nisi dobio više nego što jesi:
- 5 puta si došao kući potpuno pijan i od mačke pomislio da sam ja - 36 puta nisi uopće došao kući - 21 put ti se nije dalo - 33 puta si svršio previše brzo - 19 puta ti je kljoknuo prije seksa - 38 puta si radio do kasno - 10 puta si imao grčeve u nogama - 29 puta si morao ranije otići na spavanje zbog sutrašnjeg nogometa - 2 puta si se potukao i udarili su te baš u testise - 4 puta ti se zaglavio u rajsferšlusu - 3 puta si bio prehlađen - 2 puta si bio povređen na nogometu - 20 puta si izgubio volju za seks zato što si celog dana mislio nato - 6 puta je tebe boljela glava - 98 puta si bio zauzet gledanjem nogometa! |
A što se tiče onih 36 puta kad nam se seks dogodio, ali nisi bio previše zadovoljan, evo objašnjenja:
- Kao klada sam ležala onda kada si se bacio na krevet, a mene promašio i počeo nasrtati na posteljinu.
- Nisam govorila o pukotini na plafonu, već sam te pitala da li više voliš biti odozdo ili odozgo.
- Kada sam se onako luđački tresla, bilo je to zato što si me toliko jako pritisnuo da sam se borila za zrak
ALFA
- Auto Lako Fula
Autoput
APN6
- Automatsko Paljenje
Nogom 6 puta
APN 6s
- Automatsko Paljenje
Nogom, iz 6 puta Sigurno
APN 4m
- Automatsko Paljenje
Nogom, iz 4 puta Možda
AUDI
- Always Unsafe
Designs Implemented.
- Another Ugly
Deutsche Invention
- Ako Upali Dobro Ide
BMW
- Big Money Works.
- Brutal Money Waster.
- Bimbette Motor
Weapon.
- Break My Window.
- Brings Me Women
- Bang My Woman
BUICK
- Big Ugly
Indestructible Car Killer.
CHEVROLET
- Can Hear Every
Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips.
- Cheap, Hardly
Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck
Every Time.
- Cheap Heap, Every
Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every
Time.
- Condition Hopeless,
Entire Vehicle Relies On
Leftover Engine Technology.
DODGE
- Drips Oil, Drops
Grease Everywhere.
- Dem Old Dudes Go
Everywhere.
- Dead or Dying Gas
Eater.
- Dear Old Dad's
Geriatric Express.
FIAT
- Failure in Italian
Automotive Technology.
- Fix It All the Time.
- Fix it again, Tony!
- Franjo I Ankica
Tuđman
- Fehler in alle
Teilen
HONDA
- Had One Never Did
Again.
HYUNDAI
- Hope You Understand
Nothing's Driveable And
Inexpensive...
MAZDA
- Most Always Zipping
Dangerously Along.
NSU
- Nesretni Sinko,
Ubit ćeš se!
OLDSMOBILE
- Old Ladies Driving
Slowly Make Others Behind
Infuriatingly Late Everywhere.
- Overpriced,
Leisurely Driven
OPEL - Očajan Pokušaj
Elektroničara Laika
PINTO - Put In New
Transmission Often.
- Poor Old
Neanderthal Thinks Its A Cadillac.
PORSCHE - Proof Of Rich
Spoilt Children Have Everything
SAAB - Send Another
Automobile Back. - Swedish Automobiles
Always Breakdown. - Sorry Arsed Auto
Builders.
ŠKODA - Šofer Kvari Ovaj
Dobar Auto - Šteta Kupiti Ovako
Dobar Auto
TOMOS - Teško Ovaj Motor
Ostaje Stabilan
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking
Vehicular Object. - Vehicles Of Low
Velocity Owners.
VW |
I work at the computer store on a campus. A few weeks ago, we had a customer call in and ask the following:
Customer: "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?"
Customer: "How much does it cost to have the Internet installed?"
Customer: "I would like the disc with the Internet on it."
Also heard in a University store: Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" Customer: "I would like an Internet please."
Customer: "When I sign up, do I need to be home so you can come out and install the Internet to my house?"
Customer: "I just got your Internet in the mail today..." Customer: "I just downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?"
Customer: "Excuse me, could you sell me an Internet?" |
Customer: "I don't have a computer at home. Is the Internet available in book form?"
Customer: "Will the Internet be open on Memorial Day tomorrow?"
Customer: "We're getting an Internet from you. Are you guys having any problems sending out your Internets?"
Customer: "I can't get online."
Tech Support: "Can you be more specific?"
Customer: "It says, 'Bad username/password'."
Tech Support: "What is your username?"
Customer: "Are you sure that the Internet isn't closed for the night?"
I was
extremely tempted to tell him how people
in Europe and
I just had a call from a customer who wanted to know if she had to bring in her computer to get connected to the Internet or if we could pick it up and deliver.
Customer: "My boyfriend says that I need a memory card to run the Internet. Is this where I get one?"
Customer: "The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?"
Customer: "We're going on holiday for three months, can you suspend the Internet for us please?"
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" ...or... Customer: "Do you own the Internet?" ...or... Customer: "Is this 'Internet' the same as 'www' and do you own that as well?" We would love to be able to say, just once, to these callers, "YES! We are the Internet, and we own all."
Customer: "I have a question about the Internet." Tech Support: "Ok, what's your question?" Customer: "How do I unsubscribe from a BBS?" Tech Support: "Uh, well, you should probably contact the people that run it." Customer: "Well who owns the Internet?"
I once got a "priority" tech support phone call. The guy's first words were: "I'm a vice president at [major ISP company], and we own the Internet."
Overheard on a train ride: "The Internet… isn't that a microchip?" |
|
Overheard near the public Internet terminals in the
"Isn't Netscape Navigator the Internet?"
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."
Had a guy call just recently, asking how to get to the Internet through a word processor.
Customer: "What do you mean I have to pay for Internet access?"
From a discussion on IRC:
"I have a problem with my Internet. Anyone know how to get the screens smaller?"
I got a call from an administrative assistant in our office. She said when she opened Netscape it was smaller than normal, so she could not see the entire Internet.
Customer: "Do you have to use Netscape to get on the Internet, or do you have to use the program Netscape?"
Friend: "I'm going to leave AOL. I think I'll switch to Netscape."
Me: "Um, Netscape isn't a way to get on the Internet. It's what lets you look at the Internet. You need an Internet Service Provider like AOL, CompuServe, or AT&T Worldnet."
Friend: "Oh. I guess I'll get Internet Explorer."
Tech Support: "If you don't have a phone line, you can't connect to the Internet."
Customer: "That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You guys need to do something about that if you want people to be happy with your service!" (click)
Customer: "I lost my Internet. I switched it off last night and turned on this morning, and it's gone. I just paid $19.95 a month, and I have lost it already. Can you send me another one?"
Customer: "Is the Internet down?"
Customer: "I broke the Internet! Can you fix it for me?"
Customer: "The Internet site's giving me a busy signal!" (Usually due to the customer dialing his own phone number with his modem)
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
Customer: "Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!"
Some friends of mine and I stopped at a local bagel/bistro place that had three Macintosh computers hooked up so patrons could surf the web while they eat and slurp their coffee. None were being used. I walked over to them, and there, in front, was a prominent sign reading: "The Internet is down all over the world!"
To this day I wonder if the employees were clueless, or if they made that message up to prevent questioning from angry patrons.
59. Diplomata je čovek koji četiri puta razmisli pre nego što ništa ne kaže. 61. Kažete li jednoj ženi samo jedanput da je lepa, đavo će joj to ponavljati deset puta na dan. 62. Smatram da smo pobedili, jer sam
ostao živ. 63. Čovek koji je genije, a to ne zna, verovatno i
nije. 64. Istorija je tek nešto malo više od običnog
popisa ludosti, zločina i nesreća ljudskog roda. |
66. Karijeristi nemaju prijatelje - oni imaju svoje ljude.
67. Doktori imaju jednu veliku prednost; kada
naprave grešku,
oni je jednostavno pokopaju.
68. Šta vredi prekrasno čelo, ako iza njega nema
mozga.
69. Lepi su lepi samo zato jer su okruženi ružnima.
70. Čak i mrtvački pokrov nije ukrašen na
strani okrenutoj prema pokojniku.
71. Ponekad 1% ludosti nadjača 99% razuma.
72. Ludim se smatra onaj čija se ludost ne poklapa
s
ludošću većine.
73. U ljubavi je jedanaest paran broj.
74. Ako me i ne voliš, nije važno. Ja ionako mogu
voleti
za dvoje.
75. Kad svi misle isto - znači, niko ne misli mnogo.