Nedelja, 6. V 2012./7531.
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Šaljiva pesmica o bračnim odnosima
Foto-feljton: dvojnici poznatih ličnosti.
6. Alan Ford
Odabrani dijalozi i odvale
Vi mora da ste iz… ako je većina ovih tvrdnji tačna (Tajland; 4783-4797)
I don't take no crap from anybody!
(...else but you)
I wear the pants around here!
(...when I'm finished with your laundry)
'Cause I'm a guy you don't want to fight!
When I say "jump" you say "yeah, right".
I'm the man of this house!
(...until you get home)
What I say goes around here!
(...and right out the window)
And I don't want to hear a lot of whining!
(...so I'll shut up)
The sooner you learn who's boss around here!
(the sooner you can give me my orders, dear)
'Cause I am the head honcho around here!
(but it's all in my head)
And I can have sex anytime!
(...that you want)
'Cause I'm a man who has needs!
(...but they're not that important)
And don't expect any flowers from me!
'Cause if I'm not mistaken
(...you prefer jewelry)
I'm the king of my castle!
(...when you're not around)
And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I want!
(...to get into trouble)
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready!
(...to sleep on the couch)
Because a man's got to do what a man's got to do!
And I'm going to do
(...what you tell me to)
Because I'm top dog around here!
…but I've been neutered!
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeznTN0YW-4 Song by Sean Morey)
(prim. ured.: postoji i "The woman song", ali je dosta oštrija pa je nećemo objavljivati)
Tower: Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Delta 351: Give us another hint. We have digital watches!
● ● ●
Tower: TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45°.
TWA 2341: Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?
Tower: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?
● ● ●
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
Aircraft: I'm f...ing bored!
Ground Traffic Control: Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!
Aircraft: I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!
● ● ●
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
● ● ●
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?
Ground (in English): If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): Because you lost the bloody war!
● ● ●
One day the pilot of a "Cherokee 180" was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
● ● ●
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a "Pan Am 747") listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a "British Airways 747", call sign "Speedbird 206".
Speedbird 206: Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.
Ground: Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.
The "BA 747" pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Speedbird 206: Stand by, Ground. I'm looking up our gate location now.
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206", have you not been to Frankfurt before?Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land.
● ● ●
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
● ● ●
True conversation heard at Hanover Airport. The young woman in Tower has recently finished her training and is still not completely at ease. BA 123 is at holding position runway 09R. Another aircraft is doing approach procedures for a landing on the same runway. Tower wishes to expedite take-off for BA 123:
Tower: BA 123, are you ready for a quickie?
BA 123: Lady, I'm always ready for a quickie, but first I have to fly this plane to Helsinki!
● ● ●
ATC: Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions?
Cessna: To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.
ATC: I meant in the next five minutes not years.
● ● ●
(Heard on the radio - Really )
Cessna: Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.
Tower: Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide! Do you have the airfield in sight?
Cessna: Uh... tower, I am on the south ramp. I just want to know where the fuel truck is.
● ● ●
Cessna 152: Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred.
Controller: Roger, contact Houston Space Centre
(prim. red.: "3700" znači 370.000 stopa što je isuviše velika visina za Cesnu)
● ● ●
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
● ● ●
ATC: N123YZ, say altitude.
ATC: N123YZ, say airspeed.
ATC: N123YZ, say cancel IFR.
N123YZ: 8000 feet, 150 knots indicated
● ● ●
A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?
G82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet.
D5: Same position, same altitude.
ATC (cool, dry voice): So should I go get my collision report form?
● ● ●
Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!
● ● ●
Female terminal controller to a male pilot after a lengthy request: "Last time I gave a pilot everything he wanted, I was on antibiotics for three weeks."
● ● ●
Controller: USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Centre 135.60.
Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.60!
Controller: USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!
Pilot: Centre, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!
● ● ●
Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago?
Pilot: Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot.
- To je poklon za vas. Miris od tvrtke "Septicus". Potpišite i odnesite!
- Nikad nije vjerovati poštarima. U najboljem slučaju kasnite nekoliko desetljeća. Jučer sam dobila brzojav od sina: javlja mi se da su se iskrcali u Normandiji. 
- Je li riba svježa? Htio bih jedan komad, ali samo ako je svjež.
- Svježa? Zar ne vidite da su još žive? Poskakuju kad udarim koljenom po kutiji. 
Broj Jedan: Kad je uginula ova ribica?
Prodavac ribe: Na dan tvog rođenja. Dakle, prije osam tisuća godina, brbljavi starče! 
Prodavac ribe 2: Nikad nitko ne dolazi k tebi ponovo jer žuri na groblje!
Prodavac ribe 1: Vrijeđaš? Ja imam najmanje sedam živih kupaca, a ti jedva tri, a ti i ne jedu ribu!
Prodavac ribe 2: Ne moraš me tući svojom ribom! Dovoljno je da mi je staviš pod nos – neću preživjeti, kunem se! 
Broj Jedan: Idem do Grunfa da vidim što radi, ako uopće nešto radi. I ako slučajno zna što radi, i čemu bi to moglo služiti! 
TV: "Oblak je prekrio cijeli grad i pocrnio sve, čak i televizore u boji..." 
Doktor: Namaži dobro svoju štaku pa te neće više mučiti reuma. Hajde, slijedeći!
(Šef i Jeremija uleću kroz prozor)
Doktor: Rekao sam "slijedeći" u jednini, a ne u množini! Na što se tužite?Jeremija: Na sve! I još mnogo toga! 
Septikus: U maloj kapsuli nalazi se plin čudesna djelovanja. Tko ga udahne, odmah dobije nesavladivu želju da razara, da uništava sve oko sebe... floru i faunu...
Grunf: Tu posljednju dvojicu ne poznajem, zaista! 
Alan: Stani! Imaš "Vinčesterku" kalibra 146 uperenu u leđa!
Bob: Zapravo, dvije "Vinčesterke" kalibra 73 što je ukupno 146! 
¤ Vi mora da ste iz Tajlanda ako… (T, poglavlje XCIII)
|4783. Nothing is better
for 1 night…
4784. You miss the old Don Muang airport which actually worked, which is amazing for
4785. Everybody on the street becomes immobilized twice a day, at 8 am and 6 pm, when the national anthem is played.
4786. You walk into the movies at 9:20, when the actual show time is 9:00, just to avoid the prolonged commercials.
4787. You notice that most gays are better looking than straight guys, and that pretty girls aren't always girls.
4788. You have a yellow shirt with "Rao Ruk Nai Luang" written on it in red.
4789. You have played a coin-operated PS2 with a soccer game in it at any of the malls you go to.
4790.You have bribed your way out of every traffic violation. Or most likley said to the police officer if he can pay the ticket for you while you slip him a 100 baht and drive on.
4791. 120km/h on the speedometer is just normal everyday driving.
4792. Even though it is the most dumb ass and idiotic thing we do, driving home after partying is something we all have done.
reason you went to Villa supermarket in high school was only because
they had the long Rizzla paper.
4794. "Johnny walker" black label. Its either Black-soda or black-coke.
4795. You never check the weather forecast (hot or hotter today?)
4796. You forgot that there are such things as "seasons" in other countries
4797. You think that it's weird that motorcycles can take up and entire lane in other countries.