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EN450 - Nedelja, 4.
XI 2012.
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Transliteracija:
Izvedite na
scenu pomoćnika, najbolje nekog brkajliju i nežno mu iz jednog brka
iščupajte
jednu dlaku.
Zatim toj
istoj osobi zavučete tu dlaku u uvo.
Kad dlaka,
prirodno, iziđe kroz drugo uvo, uhvatite njen drugi kraj.
Zatim rukama
izvodite pokrete levo-desno. Na zaprepašćenje publike, oči vašeg
pomoćnika
kretaće se, vučene dlakom, levo-desno.
Objašnjenje:
Shvatili ste da je ovo nemoguće. U stvari, vi ste se sa svojim
pomoćnikom
unapred dogovorili da on sâm (a ne dlaka) pokreće oči.
("Politikin zabavnik" №983-1970)
10. Always
keep your gun pointed in a safe direction, such as at a hippy or a
communist.
9. Dumb
children may get a hold of your guns and shoot each other. If your
children are
dumb, put them up for adoption to protect your guns.
8. No matter
how responsible he seems, never give your gun to a monkey
7. If guns
make you nervous, drink a bottle of whiskey before heading to the range.
6. When
unholstering your weapon, it's customary to say "Excuse me while I whip
this out".
5. Don't load
your gun unless you are ready to shoot something or are just feeling
generally
angry.
4. If your gun
misfires, never look down the barrel to inspect it. Have someone else
do that
for you.
3. Never use
your gun to pistol whip someone. That could mar the finish.
2. No matter
how excited you are about buying your first gun, don't run around
yelling
"I have a gun! I have a gun!"
1. And the
most important rule of gun safety: don't piss me off!
Pošto su slova malo mutnija zbog širine strane (slika se skupila), dajemo vam i transliteraciju ako ne možete da pročitate:
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Znaci
za zbunjivanje |
Postupci
građana |
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---------------- ---------------- ---------------- +----------------+ 35 godina |
Prestanak
opasnosti Emitovao se jednoličnim tonom u trajanju od 35 godina. Zbog velikog
uspeha reprizirao se jedanput godišnje u 15:10 časova. |
1. Radite kao da će
100 godina biti kredita, a sprem'te se, sprem'te kao da će sutra biti
rat; 2. U slučaju rata
bežite avionima JAT-a |
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-----~~~~~----- -----~~~~~----- -----~~~~~----- +----|----|-----+ 20 20 20 |
Opasnost
od (Hadži) Struje Emituje se
naizmeničnim i jednosmernim tonom i traje li traje |
1. Isključiti
Struju i sve strujne aparatčike; 2. Otvoriti prozore
i oči i uši i napraviti promaju; 3. Mirno i bez
panike poći do najbližeg kioska i uzeti nešto za smirenje |
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ +---------------+ 60 minuta |
Opasnost
od ispiranja mozga sa pretpranjem i centrifugiranjem Emituje se
zavijajućim tonom od 19:30, pa dokle treba. A treba. |
1. Ukoliko vas
pomračenje Sunca zadesi na otvorenom prostoru – tu pomoći nema. 2. U slučaju
primetnih znakova kontaminacije optimizmom, uputiti se do najbližeg
psihijatra po savet, a u težim slučajevima do najbliže pumpe po benzin. |
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~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ +---|--|--|--|---+ 20 15 20 15 20 |
Opasnost
od rata, sankcija, inflacije i gubljenja teritorija Emituje se već 10
godina zavijajućim tonom sa prekidima i pregovorima |
1. Struju ne treba
isključivati jer je nema 2. Dekontaminaciju
obaviti posipanjem pepelom, jer nema ni sapuna 3. Pre napuštanja
kuće poneti pasoš 4. Mirno i
dostojanstveno uputiti se u najbližu neprijateljsku susednu zemlju |
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---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- +---|--|--|--|---+ 20 15 20 15 20 |
Opasnost
od kiča Emituje se tupim
tonom sa, nažalost, kraćim prekidima |
1. Kul i
dostojanstveno učlanite se u biblioteku i pročitajte sve o marksizmu 2. Staviti zaštitnu
masku (vidi sliku) u zaštitni položaj |
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Najbolji ovogodišnji
kostim za Samhain (naravno, otac klinca je unutra)
- Mi smo
diplomirani glazbenici.
- Na našim
diplomama nalazi se potpis Georgea Washingtona.
- Supotpisani
je Benjamin Franklin.
- I Muhamed
Ali. [99]
● ● ●
- Gledajte
partiture, glupani! Svaka nota nešto znači, idioti! Nije svejedno je li
ona gore
ili dolje, blesani! Je li crna ili bijela, kreteni!
- To uopće
nismo učili. [99]
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Broj Jedan: Stojimo ovdje dva sata i očekujemo neke
suvisle melodije, ali ništa ne čujemo. Ili je to glazba za gluhe? [99]
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Tobia: A kraj? Čini se da dolazi prije početka. [99] ● ● ● Umjesto orkestra
nastupaće samo glasovir! Ja sam pravi as, igrao sam na klaviru lijevo
krilo. Zvali su me Pele Rubinstein! [99]
● ● ● Natpis na
cvećarnici: "Zatvoreno zbog sna" [100]
● ● ● Komšija baca drugom
komšiji mačku kroz prozor. - Štoooo? Koristite
bakteriološko oružje? [100] ● ● ● Komšija što živi pored cvećarnice: Nebesa, provalnik! Sigurno mi hoće ukrasti radio koji sam platio na 7300 mesječnih otplata! [100] |
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Grunf: Motor je na svom mjestu, ali s paljenjem
uvijek problemi. Pokušat ću s ovim svijećicama što sam ih kupio prije
12 godina
na skladištu eksploziva. [100]
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Deda Broja
Jedan: Unuče moj najdraži! Baš mi
je drago što te
vidim! Koliko stoljeća nismo bili zajedno?
Broj Jedan: Pa, čini mi se da smo se posljednji put
vidjeli za vrijeme Trećega Punskog rata. Ili je to bio drugi? [100]
(Drugi
Punski rat: 218-201. pne; Treći Punski rat: 149-146. pne)
● ● ●
Alan: Uvijek sam patio od straha pred zatvorenim
prostorom.
Bob: A ja od straha pred strahom. [100]
● ● ●
Jeremija: O, da, da! Odmah se osjećam bolje!
Šef: I imaš svoju uobičajenu sivo-zelenu boju. [100]
● Wear
shirt that says "Life". Hand out lemons on street corner.
● Hire
two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
● Major
in philosophy. Ask people why they would like fries with that.
● Go
into a crowded elevator and say: "I bet you're all wondering why I
gathered you here", with a straight face.
● Make
vanilla pudding. Put in mayonaise jar. Eat in public.
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● Become a teacher. Make a test where every answer is "C". Ejoy the show. ● Wait until someone is about to sneeze. Right
before they do, loudly scream "Pika pika!" ● Run into a store,
ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell: "It worked!!!" and run
out cheering. ● Buy a horse. Name
it "Oscar takes the lead", and enter it in horse races. ● Invite someone
into your office, turn around in office chair and say: "I've been
expecting you…" ● Change name to
Simon. Speak in third person. ● Become a doctor.
Change last name to Acula. ● Buy a parrot.
Teach the parrot to say: "Help! I've been turned into a parrot!" ● Follow joggers around in a car blasting "Eye of the tiger" for encouragement. |
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¤ Vi mora da ste iz Škotske ako…
(UK/SCO, poglavlje CIII)
5391. Even if you not
a huge fan of the "Proclaimers", "Runrig", "Caledonia", "Deacon Blue",
"Big Country" etc. you still love it when you're in a club
abroad and they play something Scottish. (you'll probably even ask the
DJ to
play it…)
5392. You feel bad if you're not outside on a sunny day.
5393. You know when your friend, colleague etc says "fancy a pint?".
It's
never just the one pint, more like at least 4 or 5.
5394. You feel special if you can speak another language in addition to
English.
5395. You are shocked to discover that you can't drink tap water abroad
and
must buy bottled water. Also you find water in
5396. You used to get up really early on a Saturday/Sunday to watch
cartoons
when you were a kid. You watched Glen Michael's "Cartoon Cavalcade"
on a Sunday afternoon with his sidekick oil lamp called Paladin. You
remember
Glen giving Paladin a good hard stroke!
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5397. You can quite happily spend a whole day in the pub! 5398. A full English Breakfast is transformed into a
Scottish Breakfast by adding Stornoway black pudding, potato scones,
rashers of fried Ayrshire bacon, fried haggis, dod of fried
mushrooms/fried tomatoes, square sausage and baked beans (just to prove
not everything we eat is fried!). 5400. You have
participated in or witnessed people having a "square go". 5401. You will wait and
hold the door for someone 100 metres behind you in
case you cause offence. |
5403. You attempt to use your
legal tender Scottish Pound notes in
5404. You are in the
5405. You are in the
5406. There are no lakes, only lochs. (well… apart from
5407. Castles are no big deal and you are oddly fascinated by how
excited
tourists get talking about them.
5408. You were given an Oor Wullie or Broons Annual at Christmas.
5409. You have come in from the pub pissed with flatmates and watched
an
episode of "Weirs Way" engrossed by a little guy with a bobbly hat
walking around
Scotland.
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