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Nedelja, 25. IX 2009.

U ovom broju donosimo: 2. Jesenja depresija Kako, uz pomoć filmova, prebroditi jesenju depresiju (od Inspektora Blaže) 3. Zašto je pile prešlo ulicu? Anketa među poznatim grupama 4. Špigl - dvojnici poznatih Foto-feljton: dvojnici poznatih ličnosti. 6. Nove definicije Još novih definicija! 7. Locirajte se! Vi mora da ste iz… ako je većina ovih tvrdnji tačna (Vinipeg; 876-901) 8. Širom neta Vesti sa XY sajber prostora: Izbori za Miss i Mistera na sajtu "Domaći.de"

Sačuvajte ovaj broj! Možete od njega da napravite: - molersku kapu - brodić - avion koji leti (!) …

JESENjA DEPRESIJA

prošlom broju, pomoću naslova nekih pesama pokušao sam da vam pružim pomoć kako da  prebrodite jesenju depresiju. Nastavljam sa pružanjem, ali uz pomoć naslova filmova (na sadržaj  ne obraćajte pažnju). Bolje da pružim, nego da ružim! Da li ste spremni?

1. The big sleep (Duboki san; Howard Hawks)

Spavajte po petnaest sati. Kada se probudite, obavite fiziološke potrebe, jedite i nazad na hrkanje. Ko je oženjen mora da ima tampone za uši, jer žene pričaju i u snu!

2. Brazil (Terry Gilliam) Kupite kartu za Rio de Žaneiro. Tamo uradite plastičnu operaciju i postanite transvestit. Zaradićete mnogo para. Povratak u Beograd? Hmmm… Sigurniji je povratak u budućnost. 3. Naked lunch (Goli ručak; David Cronenberg) Kad odete na ručak sa poslovnim partnerima, skinite se goli i pokažite da vam se letnje vežbanje i sunčanje isplatilo. Ako dođe menadžer restorana da prigovori, vadite se da vam je vruće jer klima ne radi. 4. Batman (Betmen; Tim Burton) Sašijte odelo čoveka-slepog miša po meri. Kada padne mrak, izađite

u grad i spasavajte strance od huligana. Ako se pojavi veća grupa, odletite glavom bez obzira. Mada… Betmen ne leti… ali, važno je da se klisne…

5. Grease (Briljantin; Randal Kleiser)

Iako je ovo letnji hit, razmislite o ovoj jesenjoj ideji: uzmite gel za kosu i napraviti rokabili frizuru celoj familiji. Ako nemate gel, dobro je i maslinovo ulje. Ako nemate maslinovo ulje, premažite kosu sa ajvarom. Sad mu je i vreme.

6. Network (TV mreža; Sidney Lumet)

Budite osnivač i vlasnik sopstvene televizije. Baba mož' da čita vesti i da kuka posle njih. Keva neka bude Loto devojka i neka gunđa što nije bila Loto devojka u cvetu mladosti. Ćale može da glumi zemljoradnika (ve)seljaka u emisiji o poljoprivredi. Braća navijači mogu da budu sportski komentatori – ionako samo lupaju gluposti… Brine me samo što je na kraju filma čovek ubijen zbog veće gledanosti…

7. High noon (Tačno u podne; Fred Zinnemann)

Probudite se u šest ujutro i nemojte da urinirate do podneva. Ko popusti, biće mu fino i toplo.

8. The snake pit (Zmijsko leglo; Anatole Litvak)

Dođete u kancelariju lokalnih mafijaša i lupite pesnicom o sto i kažite da takve budale kao što su oni u životu niste videli. Kada se probudite iz kome, videćete da je jesen u Beogradu predivna!

9. Vertigo (Vrtoglavica; Alfred Hitchcock)

Popnite se na vrh "Beograđanke" i stanite na sims. Kad se ispovraćate na prolaznike, biće vam mnogo lakše. Kiša će to očas da spere.

10. Das Boot (Podmornica; Wolfgang Petersen)

Od oluka ispod prozora napravite periskop. Dođete na posao i postavite ga ispod stola. Gledate noge vaših koleginica. Možda ugledate i dabra.

11. Casino (Kazino; Martin Scorsese)

Oktobar je pravo vreme za kazino. Pozajmite novac od kuma za rulet. Ako dobijete, kumstvo će biti još jače, a ako izgubite - šta će vam kum golja!

12. Scream (Vrisak; Wes Craven)

Otvorite prozor i vrištite iz sve snage. Kad dođe policija, recite da vas žena zlostavlja. Dok je budu vodili u zatvor, možete opet da vrištite. Od sreće. Gledate Ligu šampiona… Vrištite…

13. The pianist (Pijanista; Roman Polański) Nabavite klavir i litar vinjaka. Popijte litar vinjaka na eks i počnite da svirate "Jesen" Kloda D'bisija (Claude Debussy). U stvari, klavir vam nije potreban. 14. Roman holiday (Praznik u Rimu; William Wyler) Iznenadite vašu ženu i odvedite je u Večni grad. Ili još bolje, nju pošaljite kod majke, a vi sa švalerkom zapalite (u) Rim! 15. A night in opera (Noć u operi; Sam Wood) Uđite krišom u Narodno pozorište i kada svi odu kući, izađite na glavnu scenu. Pevajte vaše omiljene arije do mile volje i aplaudirajte samom sebi.

Ekstra savet:

Ako ste jači pol, budite lovac na Jelene. Ako ste žensko, slobodno mi se javite, posebno ako ste – zgodna žena!

(preuzeto iz časopisa "Singidunum Weekly" #113; autor teksta: Inspektor Blaža)

ZAŠTO JE PILE PREŠLO ULICU?

            Anketa među poznatim grupama:

Rhapsody: To slay the mighty, great and glorious dragon which honorably bears the unholy symbol of the five flaming crossed swords!

Hammerfall: To come to the home of the brave!

My dying bride: To die alone and embrace the unescapable cold embrace of death on a cold, dark, misty autumn night… It's bloodied body is what I cling to…

Iron maiden: It was afraid of the dark.

Sinergy: It went to the fourth world!

W.A.S.P.: To fuck something.

Manowar: To fight side by side with Thor's mighty minions!!! To rock, drink and fuck… And be metalllllllllll! If the chicken is not into metal, it is not my friend!

Type O Negative: …

Sentenced: To end its misery.

Lost Horizon: To enter the kingdom of will and free itself from all chains of fate!!!

Satan Panonski: Jer je bila bludnaaaaaaaaaaa i treba trpiti!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Burzum: To kill the Jews!!!

Slayer: To refuse this fucking race, reject God and be baptized in blooooooooooooood!!

(ubaci ime power metal benda): To fly on the wings of destiny!

Korn: To get away from abusive parents.

Children of Bodom: Cuz it got more painful every time he died…

Annihilator: Chicken isn't it frightening, chicken aren't you scarred?

Korpiklaani: To drink, fight and dance till the morning!

Yngwie: To unleash the fokkin' fury!!!! Vintersorg: To go to the mountains Ozzy: Chicken gather in their masses… Just like witches at black masses… Metallica: To sue other chicken for crossing his road! Cradle of Filth: RAAAAA RAAAAAAA GROOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU GREEEEEEEEEEEE CHICKEEEEEEEEEEEEEN GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Amon Amarth: To ride for vengeance, fight for honour, glory, die in fire! Stratovarius: To hunt high & low! Running wild: Arghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

ŠPIGL – DVOJNICI POZNATIH Nicolas Sarkozy → Stan Laurel

Helloween: To be friends with the other chicken! Weeeee! Chicken don't come easy!

Sonata Arctica: Chicken, my darling, i'm writing to you, tell me that you still love me, whore…

Judas Priest: Wings of steel this chicken, deadly nose this chichken yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Evergrey: It went in search of truth

Kalmah: It went to the swamp!

Saxon: Was it wearin denim, wearin leather?

Nevermore: Nevermore to lay an egg, the egg collector sang, and it won't be feeling hollow for so long..

Madder Mortem: Because that is where forever opens, that is where it falls apart…

System Of A Down: For selfrighteous suicide

Cannibal Corpse: To be slayed, butchered, fucked, raped, strangled, for me to feast on its intestines!

Symphony X: To unleash the fuyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

Dream Theater: To look another way and not find it there

Phatasmagoria: Jer nekoliko prelazaka nije večnost. Probudi se….

Susperia: To enter home sweet hell!

Immortal: To enter the necrotic frostbitten gates of Blashyrkh… Mighty grim Ravendark…

Impaled Northern Moonforest: aagrwwwaehrdfshgrwwwaeeeeeerwwwwweraaaaaaaaa aaaanhraghthsaghttCghteeeeHerrrraaaaaIIIIIIIICKEEEEEEgrawarereraNNNNNNNNN

Anal Cunt: Chicken's mom is gay. Hatebreed: To face what consumes it!!!!! Temnozor: By fires and murder, the yellow chicken roars… Bal-sagoth: To enter the cosmic power in it's vast void of empty nothingness and swoosh within the astral forces of the northern something… Blody ok jarna! HIM: To drink the blood and be killed by its love… Limp Bizkit: Welcome to da country, punk, take a look around, it's chicken fuckin' up ya town… Chicken is across da street y'all! Andromeda: Chicken = 2 chicken Bruce Dickinson: He didnt want to be in a band with an italian drummer. To throw itself into the sea! Mayhem: To worship satan!

Arch Enemy: It needs your flesh…

Gamma Ray: You-evil-farmers! You'll never take control! You can take it's laid eggs, but you can't break it's soul! One day it shall be free!

Joe Satriani: "tiruli triruliliruliiiiiiiiiiiiii ChchchchtrilululilialuariaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA eeeeeeeeeeauauauauaua *solo*"

Dimmu Borgir: Chicken is war, chicken is pain, chicken is all you've ever slain, he is tears in your eyes, he's the bringer of the blight…

Cruachan: It's on the rocky road to Dublin!

Impaled Nazarene: Chicken has crossed the via dolorosa with zero tolerance. The absence of eggs does not mean peace!

Grave Digger: Chickenheart! almighty king, freedom it'll bring! *bagpipes*krijeeesht*

Pantera: To cross the cemetary gates…

Queen: The chicken must go on! Fat bottomed chicken make the rockin' world go round!

Led Zeppelin: To be a rock and not to roll…

King Diamond: Oh poor little chicken, it doesn't know what it got itself into… HEEEEEHEHEHEHehehehehehahaha!!!

Blind Guardian: Across the street it will believe (back vokal: across the street it will be free!) Nargaroth: Chicken ist krieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg! Venom: Chicken is in league with Satan! Sirenia: It was at sixes and sevens Turbonegro: Chicken's got erection. Nokturnal Mortum: In the name of Aryan pride! Iced Earth: Saviour to his own, chicken to some, chickenkind falls, something wicked comes! Demons & Wizards: He went to fiddle on the green Undercode: To raise his wings, cuz he knows who he is! Dungeon: To meet his slave of love…

NOVE DEFINICIJE

● Ljubav - Reč od pet slova, dva samoglasnika, tri suglasnika i dva idiota.

● Statističar - onaj koji je dobar sa brojevima, ali poseduje dovoljno jaku ličnost da ne bude inženjer.

● Fudbal - To je ono za šta se uda svaka žena, ni ne znajući.

● Inflacija - Morati živeti plaćajući cene sledeće godine platom iz prethodne.

● Jezik - Seksualni organ koji neki degenerici koriste za govor.

● Monogam - Ograničeni poligam.

● Veza - Proces trošenja ogromnih količina novca, vremena i energije s ciljem boljeg upoznavanja nekog ko vam se trenutno ne sviđa naročito, a u budućnosti će vam se verovatno sviđati još manje, a sve radi seksa.

● Laka žena - Termin koji se upotrebljava za opisivanje žene s moralnim vrednostima muškarca.

● Prijatelj(ica) - Osoba suprotnog spola s nekom očitom fizičkom manom zbog koje je seks s tom osobom nezanimljiv, što naravno čini tu osobu pogodnom za razgovor i zajedničko opijanje.

● Nimfomanka - Termin koji muškarci koriste kako bi opisali ženu koja želi seks češće od njih.

● Trezan - Stanje u kome se nemoguće zaljubiti.

● Ljubav na prvi pogled - Upoznavanje dvoje jako napaljenih ljudi koji nisu naročito izbirljivi.

● Timski rad - Mogućnost da se krivica prebaci na druge. ● Arhitekta - Kaže se za tipa koji nije bio dovoljno muško da bi bio inženjer, ni dovoljno peder da bi bio dizajner. ● Bankar - To je tip koji ti pozajmi svoj kišobran kada je sunčan dan i traži ga nazad kad počne kiša. ● Intelektualac - Individua koja ima kapacitet da razmišlja duže od dva sata o nečemu što nije seks. ● Konsultant - To je onaj koji ti skine sat sa ruke, kaže ti koliko je sati i to ti naplati. ● Diplomata - To je onaj koji ti kaže da ideš do đavola na takav način da jedva čekaš da počne putovanje. ● Ekonomista - To je stručnjak koji će znati sutra zašto se ono što je predvideo juče nije dogodilo danas.

● Psiholog - To je onaj koji gleda sve ostale kada neka zgodna žena uđe u prostoriju.

● Nestrpljivost - Čekati užurbano.

● Hardware - Deo kompjutera koji dobije batine kad software zakaže.

● Kvantni fizičar - To je slep čovek u mračnoj sobi koji traži crnu mačku koja i nije tamo.

● Izvidjač (skaut) - Dečak obučen kao kreten kome zapoveda kreten obučen kao dečak.

● Profesor - Osoba koja priča u tuđem snu.
● Nastavnica - Žena bez iluzija koja je nekad mislila da voli decu.

LOCIRAJTE SE

¤ Vi mora da ste iz Vinipega ako… (CND, SD Manitoba, poglavlje XVII)

876. Transcona is known as Trashcona. 877. You know that the Blue Bombers suck, but you'll still defend them to the grave. 878. Only you can make fun of Winnipeg. 879. You've seen a buffalo in real life. 880. Everyone is separated by 3 degrees of separation. 881. You can successfully navigate Confusion Corner.882. You have no problem driving an hour to a party. 883. You try to avoid cabbing to bars at all costs. 884. You've had your car broken into, stolen, or know someone who has. 885. It snows in May, and you don't even flinch.

886. All you know about is Route 90.

887. You know what the LC, The OC, and TYC stand for.

888. You are thrilled to drive to the smallest town possible to find the best party ever… 889. You've pondered why there is a 13' golden naked boy standing on top of your legislative building. 890. You are proud to not wear a jacket when you are in another city and it's -1°C and everyone else is all bundled up as if the next ice age has arrived. 891. You will drive to Kenora/Lake of the Woods to party. 892. You have devised new and creative ways to kill mosquitoes. 893. You have thought of (and perhaps even tried) new ways to outwit the photo radar systems.

Na forumu "Domaći.de" su počele prijave za titule "Miss & Mister domaći.de 2009". Pravila možete naći na sledećim linkovima: - za Mistera: http://www.domaci.de/viewtopic.php?t=62488 - za Miss: http://www.domaci.de/viewtopic.php?t=62489 Trenutno imamo dva kandidata za Mistera i pet kandidatkinja za Miss. Glavni sponzor "Leteći bumbar" će, kao i prošle godine, pratiti tok celog izbora.

894. It doesn't matter who is playing in a hockey game… To you, it's the Jets.

895. If you have left Winnipeg for some reason, you have found a clan of prairie folk with whom to chant "go jets go" when you are drunk and feel empowered. 896. You have questioned the purpose of the "erection" on the bridge - and tried to justify it's existence from time to time - but failed miserably. 897. You get a new bike for Christmas, and have to wait 6 months to ride it. 898. You know what the penis bridge is. 899. You know all the words to the Weakerthans' songs. 900. The mosquitoe is your provincial bird.

901. You tell everyone at home you hate the Winnipeg, but when you leave it's suddenly the best place in the world.

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