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Nedelja, 12. XII 2010.

U ovom broju donosimo: 2. Hitna upomoć Smešne zgode iz bolnica i apoteka 4. Bioskopski repertoar Top 10 filmova 5. 100% Kako postići efikasnost na poslu od 100% i više 6. Važna obavijest Novi nacionalni simbol 7. Locirajte se! Vi mora da ste iz… ako je većina ovih tvrdnji tačna (Konektikat; 2461-2510) 8. Reč uredništva Novi poklon za naše verne čitaoce!

Sačuvajte ovaj broj! Možete od njega da napravite: - molersku kapu - brodić - avion koji leti… Urednicima ostalih časopisa: Budite fer i ostavite link za ovaj časopis kad već uzimate materijal odavde!

HITNA UPOMOĆ

Student medicine na testu odgovara na pitanje "Koje su prednosti dojenja?"
1. Majčinim mlijekom beba dobiva sve vitamine i minerale koji su potrebni;
2. Dojenjem je imunitet jači

Kod... trećeg je zastao. Mislio je mislio i dodao:...
3. Osim toga, mlijeko dolazi u tako lijepom pakovanju :)

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Danas se interesuje jedna gospođa da li se kod mene u apoteci prodaju zubi u prahu!

● ● ● Pacijent u apoteci: Onaj lek u četvrtastoj kutiji... ● ● ● U apoteci: Imate li čaj od brusilice? ● ● ● Deka: Sine je l' imaš ti one male bele tabletice? Ja: Pa za šta vam trebaju? Deka: Uh, pa ne znam ti ja reći. Star sam ja. Ja to uzmem i meni odmah uhhhh! Nekad 2, nekad 3, nekad 4… Ja: Pa zbog čega ih pijete, je l' vas boli glava, imate zatvor, za srce… Deka: Ne znam ti ja, meni odmah bolje bude! Ovako kutijica četvrtasta i unutra male bele... I onako, okrugle! Posle 15min pošaljem ga kući po kutiju, jer

vidim da samo gubim vreme. Vraća se deka kasnije i vadi kutiju iz džepa – "Tik-tak"

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Pacijentkinja se žali da ima problema sa disanjem i kaže: "Doktorko režim k'o motorka!"

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Uradili su mi katetarzu (kateterizaciju)
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Imala sam infrakt (infarkt)
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Popeo mi se bubreg na rame koliko me boli
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Stavili su mi katatar u nos (nazogastrična sonda)
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Ovaj pored mene što leži dobio je inkubitus (dekubitus)
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Mene kada zaboli nešto ja popijem Trodončić i baš mi bude lepo

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Doktorka, da vam se požalim za muža. Nešto mu seva kroz ku**c.
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Doktorka, meni ova glava ne prolazi već danima. Ja mislim da imam unutra neku bakteriju koja me razjeda.

● ● ● Nešto me kljuca oko srca. ● ● ● Došla sam da uradim abdomen stomaka (umesto ultrazvuk abdomena). ● ● ● - Šta vama fali? - Fali mi žena, otišla je od kuće. ● ● ● - Je l' imate vrtoglavice? - Naprotiv, imam. ● ● ● Ja sam juče kolaborirala. (kolabirala) ● ● ● Ne konzumiramo alkohol. (samopersiranje) ● ● ● Osećam nešto tu u grlu, kako mrda i žvaće.

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Dobio sam malo mutne vode.
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Pre 2 meseca smo izvadili tiket, pa sada opet teško mokrimo.
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Boli me desni tenis.
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Prostata mi vlaži i švicuje, naročito sa desne strane.
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Inače ja sam bolesnik na levom bubregu.
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Pijem fanfule i tak'e lekove.
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Na vrhu prirode, da izvinete, hladno mi je kao led, a onda mi je hladno i oko srca.
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Zabole me kičma trtanica.
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Ide mi vruća para iz zadnjice.
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U'fati je ovdan, a onda ufati u stomak pa sastavi se sa glavom i padne u nesvest.
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Imam mučninu u penisu.
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U malenkosti mi je jaje bilo veće. ● ● ● Imao sam neku prašinu u bubregu. ● ● ● Vršnjak mi se iskrivio. ● ● ● Na mišiću mi se nešto belo 'fata. ● ● ● Boli me tanjište. ● ● ● Peče me organski pol. ● ● ● Boli me desna moštanica. ● ● ● Imam bolove u guznoj duplji. ● ● ● Zmička mi kad idem. ● ● ● Boli me desni rotar.

BIOSKOPSKI REPERTOAR (prim. red.: mole se čitaoci Islamske veroispovesti da se eventualno ne nađu uvređenim sa ovim tekstom već da ga prihvate kao šalu. Hvala J) 1. Znam šta si jela prošlog iftara 2. Od akšama do sabaha 3. Gospodar vjere I: Družina vehabija 4. Gospodar vjere II: Dva minareta 5. Gospodar vjere III: Povratak ajatollaha 6. Pčelica Azra 7. Zelenkapica 8. Šišmiš-Bajro 9. Tri vučića i krmak 10. Kutarisavanje vojnika Rahima

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Prvo mi kvrcalo, a onda sam imao 2 prepada bubrega sa sevanjem u testis.

● ● ● Povraćao sam i napred i nazad. ● ● ● Boli me leva dupna kost. ● ● ● Naleteo sam na neku honorarno, pa mi kesa nema pad, a rupa od mokraće se proširuje. ● ● ● Treba mi recept i lek za prirodni pokret. ● ● ● Na svaki mesec dana imam plod sa ženom. ● ● ● Ujutro osetim zamor levog bubrega. ● ● ● Zuji mi u jajima. ● ● ● Pijem onaj Margarin pa svaki mjesec kontroliram onaj PdV

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Ispovjest kolege koji 30 godina dežura po hitnim: Kada mi dođe u 3 sata ujutro sa glavoboljom, a nije ni aspirin popio, na nogama, bez neurološkog deficita, pregledam ja njega. Došo da z… Ja mu dam "Diazepam 10 i.m", "Furosemid 40 i.m". Neka vidi kako je spavat i pišat.

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Dolazi dekica u apoteku i trazi "katapan". Koleginica mu objašnjava da takav lek ne postoji. On je, bez obzira na njena objašnjenja, pita: "Dobro, a je l' ide na recept?"

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Prim. Dr. Marković opominje svog asistenta Dr. Popovića:

- Kolega Popoviću, moram vas zamoliti da kada popunjavate umrlicu malo više obratite pažnju na rubrike! Ponovo ste u rubrici "uzrok smrti" stavili svoj potpis!

● ● ● Doktor: Pijete li terapiju? Pacijent: Ne pijem rakiju!!! ● ● ● Treba mi striptiz za grlo. (strepsils) ● ● ● Bakica: Primam i glaukom ujutru i uveče. ● ● ● - Doktore, ovo vreme mi je užasno. Kašalj me davi, bole me noge, otpada mi rame, trga me migrena... -Ništa to nije za takva vlažna vremena! Ko u takvo vreme nije bolestan - taj... uopšte nije zdrav! ● ● ● Dolazi čovek kod psihologa i kaže da su ga poslali da uradi psihomodotest.

[preuzeto sa FB grupe: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=289464057105&v=wall]

100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
- What makes 100?

- Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

- We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

- How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While hardwork and knowledge will get you close and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and ass kissing will put you over the top!

LOCIRAJTE SE

¤ Vi mora da ste iz Konektikata ako… (USA, poglavlje XLVI)

2461. Half of your friends are from another town because yours is so small 2462. Your wardrobe contains at least three pairs of cords and five wool sweaters 2463. Your house would cost half as much in any other state 2464. The only overcrowding is of deer in your backyard 2465. You know at least one person who has been pulled over and found to have weed in their car 2466. You live in a huge colonial 2467. You have at least one friend whose house was built in the 1800's 2468. Your mom drives a Volvo wagon 2469. You know of at least one person who's house was totally trashed after a huge party

2470. People actually wear sweaters around their necks
2471. You went to prep school even though your public schools are awesome
2472. You can't understand why people don't understand what your talking about when you refer to a "package" store
2473. The state is so small you know where all the speed traps are
2474. You own every DMB CD
2475. You grew up wanting to be a lifeguard
2476. As a child you took horseback riding, golfing, tennis and swimming lessons.
2477. You feel for the homeless, but are not willing to give up the golf course land to develop a homeless shelter.
2478. You have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party.
2479. You never went to a bar in high school.
2480. You thought that the only highways were 91 and 84.
2481. You thought everyone couldn't buy beer after 8 pm
2482. You actually thought that Hartford was big
2483. You drive a Jeep
2484. You still think that the "Whalers" are cool.
2485. You have been to Misquamicut and to that little hot dog place.
2486. There is a farm within miles of your house
2487. You thought bars were really for people over 21
2488. You don't have an accent when you talk… Except the whole "t" thing
2489. You have known at least 2 creppy rich kids from Fairfield who listen to "Phish".
2490. UConn basketball rules and no one can tell you different

2491. You have deer in your backyard. 2492. You didn't drink or do drugs until 10^th grade. 2493. You still don't understand why people say that Connecticut is the richest state… 2494. Your best friend went to Central, Western, Eastern and finally Manchester Community College. 2495. Your mom works at Travelers and your dad works at Pratt and Whitney. 2496. You have been drunk at the Meadows and don't remember the concert. 2497. You go to Riverside at least once a summer

Pošto je prošlogodišnji kalendar sa macama veoma dobro primljen među čitaocima, rešili smo da napravimo isti takav i za ovu godinu, ali sa drugačijim slikama. Možete ga preuzeti na našem sajtu, u delu sa poklonima. Verujemo da će vam se i ovaj dopasti. Vaše uredništvo

2498. You have a UCONN flag outside of your house year round

2499. You think New Jersey was a toxic waste dump
2500. You think everyone works tobacco in the summer
2501. You think Old Lyme is a shore town
2502. You think the Connecticut River is endless
2503. The town diner is the only place open after midnight.
2504. You have at least 4 friends who drive Jeep Grand Cherokees
2505. You root for all the New York sports teams
2506. You've never looked at a public bus schedule
2507. You have both girlfriends and guyfriends with the same name as you.
2508. You go to the diner late night to post party.
2509. You think New Haven is the worst ghetto you've ever seen
2510. You weekend either on the Cape or Rhode Island at a summer home

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