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Nedelja, 24. IV 2011.
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U ovom broju donosimo: 2.
Albuquerque
Tekst pesme Weird Al Yankovića
Povodom
praznika 4. Anegdote
Još anegdota
Vi
mora da ste iz… ako je većina ovih tvrdnji tačna (Minesota, Misuri, Mičigen;
3124-3169)
Pogodite na čiji koncert vas vodimo! |
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ALBUQUERQUE
ay back when I was just a little bitty boy living
in a box under the
stairs in the corner
of the basement of the house half a block down the street
from Jerry's Bait
shop… You know the place… Well anyway, back then life was
going swell and
everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact
that
every single morning my mother would make me a big ol' bowl of
sauerkraut for
breakfast
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Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut! Every single mornin'.
It was driving me crazy! That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are oh so fluffy! Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all |
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day long and anyone on the street will gladly
shave
your back for a nickel. Wacka wacka doodoo yeah!
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Well, let me tell you, people,
it wasn't long at all before my dream came true because the very next
day, a
local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess
the
number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I
still
won the grand prize. That's right, a first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque Albuquerque Oh yeah! You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before. And I gotta tell ya, it was really great! Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor, and the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time, the flight attendants |  |
ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts,
and the
in-flight movie was "Bio-Dome" with Pauly Shore, and, oh yeah, three
of the airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and
crashed into
a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody
died…
Except for me. You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up and my seat back in the full upright
position
Had my tray table up and my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up and my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ahhhh
So I crawled from the twisted,
burnin' wreckage. I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
draggin'
along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone
and my
twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed
glow-in-the-dark
snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday
Inn
where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out
of the
ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're clean
Well, I checked into my room
and I turned down the A/C, and I turned on the Spectravision and I'm
just about
to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very,
very much
when suddenly, there's a knock on the door. Well now, who could that
be? I say
"Who is it?" No answer "Who is it?" There's no answer.
"WHO IS IT?!" They're not sayin' anything
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So, finally I go over
and I open the door and just as I suspected! It's some big fat
hermaphrodite
with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril (Oh man, I hate
it when
I'm right). So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky
snorkel and
I'm like "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a
snorkel to me" And he's like "Tough" And I'm like "Give it" And he's like "Make me" And I'm like "'Kay" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation! Yes, indeed, you'd |
better believe it (Deep Breath). And somehow in the middle of it all,
the phone
got knocked off the hook and twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar
voice.
And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said
It said:
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator
In Albuquerque… Albuquerque"
He said
"Wait a minute, I'll go
check"
"NAH, we're outta bear claws"
I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed
weasels"
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said "OK, I'll take that" So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over (rabid gnawing sounds)! Oh man, they were just going nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head" I believe it went a little something like this: "Aahhhh! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em off! Ooooh my God, oh my God! Oh, get 'em off me! Ooooh my God! Ah, (more screaming)" I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like |  |
a
constipated wiener
dog and as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl
of my
dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a
slight
overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the
first
thing she said to me. She said: "Hey, you've got weasels on your
face"
That's when I knew it was true
love! We were inseparable after that. Aw, we ate together, we bathed
together,
we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss. The world
was our
burrito! So we got married and we bought us a house, and had two
beautiful
children - Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh, we were so very very very happy,
aw
yeah.
But then one fateful night,
Zelda said to me. She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the
Columbia Record Club?". I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby! I'm just not
ready for that kind of a commitment!" So we broke up and I never saw
her
again, but that's just the way things go. In Albuquerque… Albuquerque
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Anyway, things really started
lookin' up for me because about a week later, I finally achieved my
lifelong dream. That's
right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler. I even made employee of
the
month after I put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody
was
pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I, I say to him, I say: "Hey, you want me to help you with that?", and Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes: "Noooo, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw". So I did. |
And then he gets all indignant
on me. He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well, that's
just great! How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for
cryin' out loud! Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname -
Torso-Boy. So
what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy
comes up to me on the street and he
tells me he hasn't had a bite in three whole days. Well, I knew what he
meant,
but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein and
he's yellin'
and screamin' and bleeding all over. And I'm like "Hey, come on,
don'tcha
get it?" But he just kept rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and
screaming. (screaming sounds) You know, just completely missing the
irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke,
you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK. Anyway I, I know it's kind of a
roundabout way of saying it but I guess the whole
point I'm tryin' to make here is I HATE SAUERKRAUT!
That's all I'm really tryin'
to say. And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find
yourself in an existential quandary full of loathing and self-doubt and
wracked
with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at
least you
can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in
this
crazy old mixed-up universe of ours there's still a little place called
Albuquerque… Albuquerque… Albuquerque (Albuquerque)… Albuquerque
(Albuquerque)… Albuquerque (Albuquerque)… Albuquerque (Albuquerque)
I said "A" (A)
"L" (L)
"B" (B)
"U" (U)
*pauses*
"querque" (querque)
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
Albuquerque,
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque… Albuquerque (drum solo) (belch)
Crtani napravljen prema ovoj pesmi:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q29JSyIVd7E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xbs7f72Srok
LOCIRAJTE SE
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Vi mora da ste iz Minesote ako… (USA, poglavlje LX) 3124. You can drive without your license because you know if a cop stops you he'll know you and let you go. 3125. If a single snowflake falls, the town is paralyzed for three days, and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. All grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer. If there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does snow, people will be on the corner selling "I survived the blizzard" t-shirts, not to mention the fact that all schools will close at the slightest possible chance of snow. 3126. Your directions include "when you see the Waffle House" or "turn on the dirt road". |  |
3127.
You say "sir" and "ma'am" if
there's even a chance someone is even thiry seconds older
than you.
3128. You don't assume the car with the blinker light on
is actually going to turn anytime in the near
future.
3129.
When you here the number "4"
your first thoughts are of Brett Favre.
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Vi mora da ste iz Misurija ako… (SAD, poglavlje LXI)
3130.
Everyone you know has been on
a "Float trip"
3131. "Vacation" means
driving to
3132. You think
3133. You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat
3134. You went to skating parties as a kid.
3135. You can't think of anything better than sitting on
the porch in the middle of the summer during a
thunderstorm.
3136. You've ever said, "it's not the heat, it's the
humidity".
3137. You know what "Home of the throwed rolls" means!!!
3138. You know what "cow tipping" or "Possum Kicking" is.
3139.
You think "frog gigging"
should be an Olympic sport.
3140. You don't put too much effort
into hairstyles due to wind and weather.
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Vi mora da ste iz Mičigena ako… (SAD, poglavlje LXII)
3141.
You define summer as three
months of bad sledding. 3145. If during the summer there are more out of town plates than 3146. Owning a Japanese car is a hanging offense in your hometown. 3147. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre. 3148. The Big Mac is something that you drive across. 3149. You bake with soda and drink pop. 3150. You drive 75 on the highway and you pass on the right. 3151. Your Little League baseball game was snowed out. 3152. You learned how to drive a boat before you learned how to ride a bike. 3153. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac". 3154. The word "thumb" has a geographical rather than an anatomical significance. 3155. You expect Vernor's when you order ginger ale. 3156. You know that 3157. Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, the opening of deer season and Devil's Night. |  |
3158. Your snowmobile, lawn mower and fishing boat all have big block Chevy engines.
3159. At least one person in your family disowns you for the week of
the
3160. Traveling coast to coast means driving from
3161. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.
3162. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your
left hand.
3163. Your car rusts out before you need the brakes done
3164. Half the people you know say they are from
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