● I was at the post office one day when an elderly lady in front of me asked for a single stamp.
Obviously considering this a waste of her time, the woman behind the counter makes a snorting noise, rips off a stamp and flicks it across the counter where it lands on the floor. She doesn't apologise or offer the lady another stamp. The old lady considers for a second, picks up the stamp and leaves her 50 cent piece on the floor in its place. She says a cheery "Thank you!" and walks out, and the woman behind the counter has to walk around to pick up the money.
● I'm a manager. I am ringing up a woman I have sold things to before. We are making small talk as I ring her up. Note: I'm a lesbian.
Customer: "I can't believe the president came out in support for gay marriage!"
Me: "I know; kind of unbelievable!"
Customer: "That f** lover is going to burn in hell for that!"
Me: (biting my tongue) "Okay."
I finish ringing her up and hand the customer her bags.
Customer: "They should round up all the gays and put them down."
Me: "That would be bad for me, seeing as I am a lesbian."
The woman turns pale and walks out without saying a word. A few hours later, I get a call from the manager of another one of our stores. On the line, I can hear the same customer I previously sold items to ranting.
Manager (also a woman): "So, this woman is here wanting to exchange a bunch of stuff from your store. When I asked her what was wrong with the items, she said you tainted them; I have no idea what she is talking about. Could you maybe clear this up for me?"
Me: "Well, I bet it is because she found out I was gay."
Manager: "I see. (starts talking in sultry voice) Well, I'll see you tonight for our date. You should put on that that black lace bra and panty set I got you for your birthday! I love you!" (hangs up)
I am very confused, seeing as I have never dated that manager, nor did she ever get me underwear, and as far as I know, she is not gay.
Fast forward a few days later to the manager weekly conference call: apparently, the customer left the other store after thinking the other manager was also gay. That manager then called every other store in the area and told everyone about the customer. Over the next few days, the customer went to every store in a 20 mile radius trying to exchange the 'tainted goods'. Everyone she talked to pretended to be gay when working with her and she left every time. To my knowledge, she never got her exchange.
● I was at a Craft Store in my town, and it wasn't too busy, but only one register was open. The cashier, a teen aged girl, I could tell was working as best as she could. The process was a tad slower however, because she had a stutter, and a bit of a lisp.
As she worked through the line, asking the usual questions probably mandated by the big wigs (I've worked in retail, it's a thing), the man behind me began to huff and puff. He muttered something about having places to go, he was in a hurry, etc. I ignored him, until I heard him start to mock her to his kids: "W-w-would you l-like y-y-y-y-y-y-your reSCHKeet?"
The kids began to laugh. It really made my blood boil. Especially since I could tell the cashier heard his mockery. That really made my blood boil. When a person doesn't respect retail employees as people, it's the best way to tell whether a person is an asshat or not.
When it was my turn at the register, she asked me in a small voice "Are you a member o-o-of the rew-w-rewards club?" And I looked smugly at the guy behind me, and back at her.
Me: The rewards club? Oooo that sounds great! Please explain it to me?
She seemed surprised at first, but then looked at the guy behind me, and then it clicked. I have never given my information so slowly in my life. Never had I asked as many questions as I did. She smiled and answered my inquiries, while the guy behind me was seething.
Him: Can you hurry up, please?
Me: And miss out on these great rewards? As if!
I only held him up for about 5 minutes… but wooo child, it felt so good.
● So I live next door to a couple (a very conservative couple) and their twin boys. The boys can't be more than 8, and like most kids, they like to play in the back yard. Which is totally fine, doesn't bother me at all. They're kids and like to run around. What bothers me though is that they love to throw their toys over into my yard. Alot of toys. Action figures, balls, frisbees, rackets, etc.
Them throwing them over don't even really bother me that much. What bothers me is that the parents keep demanding that we have to throw them back. They don't ask, they don't knock on the door and apologize, they just yell over there fence when they know that we are outside and TELL us to give it back. And that bothers me. They also seem to encourage their kids to throw it over to our yard.
So after Christmas I was at the store and saw that they had a ton of Barbie's, nail polish, Bratz doll frisbees, and balls on the clearance. I bought 5 of everything I could find that I knew my neighbors would hate seeing their sons play with. Every time an action figure gets thrown over to my yard, I will throw a Barbie back with it. Every time a ball gets thrown, a Bratz ball will be returned. I already threw a couple nail polishes over and the twins went crazy. They loved it. They've had pink, purple, and green nails all week.
It's been 2 days and not a single action figure has crossed my fence. More importantly, not a single rude demand from the parents to return them. The kids are having fun, and I have pretty revenge.
● Coffee shop. People next to me are loud and rude. They just found the perfect name for their new business. I just bought the domain name.
● I took the family out to eat at AppleBees. The lot was full and I saw a customer come out to leave so I waited for him to pull out and take the spot. Guy pulls out and a car full of young girls just pull in to my spot. You know the type. Well I rolled down my window and told them I was waiting for that space and the driver says: "To bad. Your name wasn't on it." I was livid but just waited for another space and went in and ate.
Girls were at the bar doing shots getting wasted. We enjoyed our meal and paid the waiter. I then asked the waiter if he wanted to make $20. I asked him to go up to the girls, 10 min after we left, and tell them they got a call from someone that said that they had keyed their car and that they should have parked somewhere else. I did not key the car!
I called him about an hour later to ask how it went. He said they all went nuts, screaming and shit and even called the police.
BONUS: Cops came and found no damage to car but noticed the girls were to damaged to drive. Cops left and circled back and watched the car. Girls come out, get in car, start the car, and the parking lot explodes in blue light. Busted! DUIs and PDs for all.
I did not know about the bonus till a week later when I went back for a few beers. The waiter recognized me and told me the bonus story, laughing the whole time. Another $20 to the waiter. Best $40 I ever spent.
● This happened a while back, study hall in 8th grade actually. I always brought two small sandwiches to school so I could have one at lunch and one in study hall since our teacher let us eat in that class. One day as I was about to eat my Sandwich, I get up to use the bathroom. As I walk back in the classroom, I see the kid in front of me eating my sandwich. I was pretty annoyed but nothing serious at this point, so I confront him politely and he denies it completely. I left my sandwich on my desk the next day just to make sure it was him, and what do you know, it is. So on the third day, I hatched a plan. I put habanero cheese on my sandwich, and then doused it all in ghost pepper sauce. That shit was everywhere, but it luckily didn't smell spicy. I get to study hall and my plan works flawlessly. I leave my trap sandwich on my desk and get up to use the restroom. This time I take as long as I can, and end up wandering the halls of the school. I did this because my study hall teacher was anal about the hall pass, and only one guy was allowed to leave the class at a time, even for water. After about ten minutes I come back into
the class to be greeted by the sandwich thief crying hysterically with a bright red face waiting for the hall pass. He was in the bathroom for the rest of the day.
● My mom was a language teacher at my high school. The class was supposed to write one of those team dialogues in Spanish, and had a week or so to prepare it, then had to perform it in front of the class. When she called for this group of guys to do theirs, they pretended that they already had, and she'd just forgotten. They refused to do it, insisting it was her fault she didn't take notes/scores down.
She went in the next day and said: "Boys, I owe you an apology. I found my notes on your presentation and I do remember it, I don't know
how I forgot!" She went on to describe all the grammatical mistakes they made, that their dialogue hadn't been as long as required, that they didn't include the necessary vocabulary, etc. All made up. She failed them all on the project and they couldn't do a thing about it without admitting they'd made it all up.
● A while ago my email address was added to a mailing list for a church group located in the southern USA. It was a Gmail address and I naturally assume it was added in error.
I deleted the first few messages as there were not many. After a week or so the volume of email started to increase a lot as there events being organised and everyone was responding with reply all. First off I sent an email to he address that seemed to belong to the organiser, the one who was initiating the email chains: "Hi. I am not part of your group. Please remove me from this email distribution list."
Over the next couple of days, as each new message arrives, I send another one.
So far I have only been sending to the leader.
Next day I send a reply all. (they are not sending the messages BCC, so I can see all the addresses)
Again, I am ignored. I try again, no response.
I am now receiving 10-20 of this crap a day. So I take the nuclear option. As each message arrives, I reply all with porn images: "Since you won't remove me from the list here is my imput."
I start mild and crank it up. Stuff that makes gaotse look like a gentleman boner post. I recieve outraged replies about this being a Christian Church group, I reply with something worse: "I asked nicely for weeks to be removed and was ignored. So here is another fine picture for you. "
The email list disappeared from my inbox within 24 hours.
● I was just walking back to my car from class and had to cross the professor's parking lot to get to the student lot. I came across an older man getting into his car and I noticed that his large coffee cup is still on the roof of his car. I've done this before and really appreciate when someone tells me that I'm about to drive off with my drink on the roof. So why not pay it forward, right?
- Hey mister, you… (in the most condescending tone I have ever heard)
- NO! It's Doctor!!
- Oh, sorry Doctor… nevermind…
So I just stood there and watched as DOCTOR Asshole throws his camry in reverse, spilling his FULL cup of coffee all over his windshield and window. Dr Snarky flashes me a look that could only be a look of remorse mixed with anger. He probably realized that I was just trying to help but was pissed that I decided not to. He didn't even get out of the car, he just sped off.
● I am driving to work a few months ago and getting close, I have two turns remaining until I turn into the building. It is just a few blocks away. All side streets, no highways involved. This guy behind me is in a black BMW, and he is on my ass the whole time. I see him checking his phone, then making angry faces at me and getting closer and closer. I speed up a bit, thinking it might calm him down. 5 over, nope. Anyway, I make the first turn, and am now on the street where my building is, maybe 600 yards up ahead. The asshole is still behind me, driving inches from behind me and obviously pissed that I am still going the speed limit, [maybe 35 (56km/h) on this street]. So I speed up a bit and see he does the same.I drive an eight year old Toyota truck, not one of the big huge ones, but not one of the small ones. I do have all terrain
tires, and I have certainly driven through pastures, over rocks, popped a curb or 10 in my time. My suspension is in good shape and have no problem treating my decade old truck like a truck.
Well as I get closer to my building there is a large speed bump in the street, effectively to get people to slow down as they approach the parking garage entrances. I look back and see asshole still riding my bumper. I remember thinking to myself I need to slow down for this speed bump, and looking back and thinking: if I hit my brakes, this guy is going to hit me.. The plan takes shape in my mind and I speed up..
I am doing about 45 (72km/h) when I hit that speed bump, and yeehaw.. I did a bit of a jump and land, never once touching my brakes. Didn't even tap them. I gave him zero warning for what was about to happen
I am watching my rear-view window intensely during this because I wanted to see his reaction. He was cradling his cell phone between his ear and shoulder when he hit. His hood bucked up behind me, then slams to the ground. I see him go flying out of his seat straight up. He slams his head on the roof of his BMW and his head rolls sideways from impact. Then he slams back into his seat violently. He has a total "wtf was that" look on his face as he grabs the wheel with both hands to recover.
And yes, he slowed right the f*ck down after that.
● My Finance professor was telling our class a story today about how back in 2008 he did taxes for three farmers in west Texas. He said that the three farmers kept going on and on about how much they hated Obama and hoped to God that he didn't get elected because they feared he would raise their taxes and that they "didn't think America needed a black president in office". Well when the three farmers gave my professor his check for doing their taxes, he donated three $500 checks to the United Negro College Fund in the farmer's names and all three farmers received thank you letters from the UNCF.
Crni Guja: Momci, našao sam se u nevolji bez odgovarajućeg izlaza. Ili ću sakupiti 1000 funti do večeras ili ću biti ubijen. Šta da radim?
Boldrik: Pa, očigledno je.
Crni Guja: Šta?
Boldrik: Moraćete biti ubijeni.
Crni Guja: Kada je lord Crna Guja u nevolji, on ne sedi tek tako!
Persi: Nećete moći sediti kada vam šiljak bude u dupetu.
Crni Guja: Put moga života popločan je kravljim izmetom satanskog krda đavola.
Boldrik: Ne mogu da verujem! Dovukla me sve od Bilingsgejta do Ričmonda zbog najjadnije šale još od kada je kardinal Vulsi izbacio glavu u Hampton Kortu, stao na kraj hodnika i glumio vrata.
Crni Guja: Začepi, Boldrik! Ti bi se smejao i Šekspirovoj komediji.
Mornar: Tako mi nedostaje mama. Mislim, bila mi je kao majka.
Crni Guja: Ovde smrdi kao u oklopu nakon Stogodišnjeg rata!
Biskup: Zlotvore! Nikad nisam naišao na takvu pokvarenost! Jesi li ikad razmišljao o karijeri u crkvi?
- U mladosti sam bio talentovan. Bio sam čovek s hiljadu lica.
- Kako si onda izabrao tu ružnu njušku koju sad imaš?
- Moji ujna i ujak, lord i lejdi Bela Guja, dva najveća fanatika puritanca u Engleskoj, pozvali su se ovamo na večeru.
- Ali zar oni nisu strašno dosadni?
- Da, ali imaju nešto što ih iskupljuje: dubok novčanik. Prostraniji je od slonove mošnice i teško ga se dočepati.
- Otpušten si!
- Ali u vašoj sam porodici od 1532. god.
- Kao i sifilis! Napolje!
Boldrik: Kada sam išao po vrata, napolju je bio neki glasnik. Kaže da vas kraljica želi videti. Lord Melčet je veoma bolestan.
Crni Guja: Stvarno?Boldrik: Da. Na pragu je smrti.
Crni Guja: Moj dragi, ponovo unajmljeni slugo, idemo mu pomoći da ga prekorači!
Kraljica: Edmunde, brzo! Melčet umire! Moramo nešto učiniti!
Crni Guja: Naravno. Napravićemo proslavu.