Nedelja, 17. XII 2006.
ovom broju donosimo: 2.
tvrdnje o Čaku Norisu
odgovori iz istoimene knjige 6. Srpski vozački rečnik
lapsusa, bisera, odvala i uzrečica izrečenih na časovima
matematike, informatike i na ekskurziji (1469-1511)
Fraze koje koriste naši vozači
U ovom broju donosimo:
2. Chuck Norris Facts (1/2)
Dokazane tvrdnje o Čaku Norisu
Dečji odgovori iz istoimene knjige
6. Srpski vozački rečnik
Zbirka lapsusa, bisera, odvala i uzrečica izrečenih na časovima matematike, informatike i na ekskurziji (1469-1511)
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
4. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
6. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
7. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
8. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
9. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
10. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
12. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
14. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
15. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
16. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
18. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
19. Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
20. Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.21. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
22. Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
23. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.
24. When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
25. Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
26. When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
27. Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of
29. Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
30. Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
31. Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times
33. Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
34. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
35. Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus' birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
36. When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
37. Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
38. Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
39. Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
40. Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
41. Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
42. Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
43. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down
44. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
45. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
46. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
47. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
48. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
49. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
50. There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
51. Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
52. Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
53. When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"
54. Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.
55. Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
56. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Filming on location for |
58. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
59. Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
60. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
61. When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
62. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
63. Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
64. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
65. When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
66. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
67. A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
68. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
69. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in
71. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
72. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
73. Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
74. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
75. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
76. Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
77. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
78. Chuck Norris invented water.
79. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but
couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough
an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered
drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled
roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
● Nije dozvoljeno ići tom stranom ulice.
= Gde ćeš na tu
● Vidi se da je ovaj vozač počenik.
= Majmune, ko ti dade
= Gde si samo blenuo,
pička ti materina
= Jebo ga onaj ko ga
● Popio sam malo više večeras
= Nisam pio, druže, majke
● Baš simpatična dama za volanom
= Al' bih joj ga
● Ova kola nisu najispravnija
= Koje govno od krša,
● Izvinite,da li biste mi gurnuli auto
= Alo, bre, jače to
gurni, rođače, valjda si doručkovao jutros
● Zaista nisam video taj kamion
= E, jebi ga…
● Gospođice, zamolio bih vas da ne pušite u kolima
= Sestro, ovde se puše
samo one bez nikotina
● Sirena kola ispred nas ima neprijatan zvuk
= Dabogda tako svirao
majci na grobu
● Čini mi se da smo ušli u jednosmernu ulicu
= Jebote, ovi kreteni
voze u kontrasmeru
● Izinite, zalutao sam, pokazite mi put
= Brate, vadi me iz ove
● Ovaj vozi malo sporije od mene
= Vidi lipsotinu kako se
● Pođite molim
= Ajde, bre, kretenu
● Vrlo simpatičan saobraćajac
= (izraz ne postoji u rečniku)
1469. S lizožiocima
1470. Ko ima knjigu polako je piše
1471. Mora da bude upišeš
1472. Može moja greška
1473. Kad ja budem pitao grupu ko je Milošević…
1474. Sa njegovim oznakom
1475. Tvoj program mora uvek da daje isti rezultat
1476. Iks dva iks
1477. Koji label ga nema?
1478. Kuji? (???)
1479. Treća godina zna da napiše 3×3
1480. Sve si mogao da napišemš
1481. Zbog pošto nemamo
1482. Pošto nema skokova, ja ću to da preskočim!!!
1483. Vezano je sa nekim znanjima iz matematike i nije vezano
1484. Znak polunavoda
1485. Štkoji uslov
1486. Ništa više Ralića
1487. Ko je šta lakše, taj radi!
1488. Jeste svideli šta je on uradio?
1489. Raliću, odmaraš se, a ti Borko uzmi knjigu od njega i izađi da odgovaraš (važi isto objašnjenje kao i za provalu 1472.)
1490. (Kratak dramatizovani dijalog sa Čvorkom) Č – Čvorkov; NN - Neko iz Nekog razreda
Č: Pitaj zašto!
Č (Prođe 30 sekundi): 'Ajde, pitaj zašto!
NN (Prođe 60 sekundi): Zašto?
Č: ŠTA ZAŠTO???????????????????????????????????
1491. Slušaj zadatak i nemoj da ga zapamtiš
1492. Ideš po redom
1493. Ja se pojedem na fakultetu
1494. Od dule (dula = nula)
1495. Pišeš se
1496. Bemi treba (??????)
1497. Pišeš kako se pišem
1499. Na za kontrolni
1500. Vizi (????)
1501. Ima nema prekidač iza
1502. Sad crtamo u programiranju
1503. Samo pro algoritam
1504. Moram da uoči šta radiš
1506. Ako posle Grčke izostavi tačka-zarez, ja ne šaram
1508. Ima ćiriličnicu slova
1509. Rusi imaju neke svoj jezik, ali koriste našu ćirilicu
1511. Zatvoren zarez, ova zagrada, u stvari navodnici