Nedelja, 9. XI 2008.
U ovom broju donosimo:
... prema američkim studentima
Novi foto-feljton. Dvojnici poznatih ličnosti.
6. Hugo Čavez
Prevedeno i prilagođeno
Rubrika u "Politikinom zabavniku" tokom 1968.
8. Širom netaIzveštaj sa izbora za miss
vu istoriju sveta je priredio Ričard Lederer (Richard Lederer) od stvarnih odgovora učenika i studenta, a koje su sakupljali nastavnici i profesori.
|The inhabitants of Egypt were
called mummies. They lived
in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the
are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the
a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between
and Spain. |
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at
the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived
Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle
of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by
Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their
Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged
the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In on of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the 6cPilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe
were trembling in their shoes. Then the
Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.
became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Ja ću tebe da ukradem
ostalima nek' bude krivo,
pa makar mi na put stali
i Tadić i Sanader Ivo.
Onome ko nas posvađa
pokakim se ja u krilo,
pa bio to sam Džordž W. Buš
ili đetić Đukanović Milo.
Ja ću tebe da ukradem,
kao neki Lopov profi,
da mi jutra nisu crna
crnja nego Anan Kofi.
Sanjam, spavam, šta god radim
u mislima mojim - tu si,
ti mi srce ludo razbi
žešće no Gruziju Rusi.
Razvešću se ja zbog tebe
ko onaj Nikola Sarkozi.
Ko kera ti biti veran
kad joj kažeš "aport - k' nozi".
A kada te ukradem
ima da nakrivim fesić,
pa nek crknu od muke,
i Koštunica i Stipe Mesić.
Neka me sutra u'apse,
ma nek mi sledi kavez.
Prolupao sam ja zbog tebe
grđe nego Hugo Čavez.
Cmoki te tvoj
Pesma "Hugo Čavez" preuzeta iz zbirke "Zna tuđu muku".
(autor pesme: Velociraptor; za članicu: Idealno_loša; link: http://www.domaci.de/viewtopic.php?p=2781943#2781943)
jelatnici na šalteru "Zagrebačkog Aerodroma" bi trebalo odati prizanje na duhovitom i inteligentnom odgovoru putniku koji je avionom trebao letjeti, u najboljem slučaju, u prostoru za prtljagu. Evo što se je dogodilo:
Zbog bure, let na relaciji Zagreb - Dubrovnik je otkazan. Vodič jedne turističke agencije je na šalteru radio re-booking za svoju poveću grupu nestrpljivih putnika, kada se jedan ljutiti gospodin progurao do šaltera. Bacio je svoju kartu na pult i uzviknuo:
- Ja moram biti na ovom letu i to u prvoj klasi!
Djelatnica na šalteru je odgovorila:
- Gospodine, žao mi je, prvo moram napraviti rezervacije za grupu ljudi koja čeka. Ako budete strpljivi sigurna sam da ćemo vam na neki način moći izaći u susret. Ljutiti gospodin nije bio nimalo impresioniran i upitao je:
- Znate li vi uopće tko sam ja!?
Bez okljevanja, djelatnica na šalteru je uzela mikrofon i rekla:
- Molim cjenjene posjetitelje "Zagrebačkog Aerodroma" za trenutak pažnje. Na terminalu za domaće letove imamo putnika koji ne zna tko je. Ukoliko bilo tko može pomoći u otkrivanju njegovog identiteta, molimo hitno da se javi na šalter broj 2.
Usred histeričnog smjeha putnika koji su čekali u redu, nestrpljivi gospodin je bjesnim glasom dobacio djelatnici terminala:
- Jebo te ja!
Na to je ona ljubazno odgovorila:
Žao mi je gospodine, ali i za
to ćete trebati pričekati u
Objašnjenje: fotorobot ubice novinara Ive Pukanića (ovaj policajac ga drži u ruci) jako liči na detektiva iz crtaća Nika Praskatona. Drugi fotorobot možete videti u prethodnom broju.
Priču o profesoru Panti ispričao mi je otac, davno. I ja se još dobro sećam tog profesora latinskog jezika koji je imao običaj da govori u stihovima:
Uči reči da ti glava zveči
ko ne uči reči – ima da se beči
Ali đaci kao đaci, dogovore se kako da zbune profesora, koji je inače bio divan čovek i koga su svi voleli.
Prozove tako Panta baš mog oca da odgovara, a on kao iz topa:
Profesore, molim vas
nisam spreman za vaš čas
jer sam juče ceo dan
bio nešto bolestan
Đaci u smeh, a Panta se namršti kao oblak pred kišu i grmnu sa katedre:
Stih ti, brajko, nije loš
al' će biti tri za groš.
Neka ceo razred zna,
tebi Panta daje dva.
A ti sada lepo sedi
i to pričaj svome dedi
Pošto se pobedonosno osmehnuo, profesor je nastavio čas kao da ništa nije bilo. I više nikad mali obešenjaci nisu klepali stihove. Ko je znao, govorio je – u prozi.● ● ●
Na času fiskulture nastavnik razgovara s direktorom i ne gleda učenike dok skaču u dalj. Dragiša se zalete, ali pred samom linijom stade i otrča do nastanika.
- Druže nastavniče, kako sam skočio?
- Samo tako nastavi i biće sve u redu – odgovori nastavnik.
● ● ●
Profesor biologije ulazi i počinje ispitivanje. Red je došao na Ivana. Svima nam je laknulo kad je "palo" pitanje: "Iz kojih delova se sastoji unutrašnje uho?"
- Sastoji se od čekića, nakovnja i...
- I... podstiče ga profesor.
- I klešta