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EN244 - Nedelja, 9. XI 2008.
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Ovu istoriju sveta je priredio Ričard Lederer od stvarnih odgovora učenika i
studenta, a koje su
sakupljali nastavnici i profesori.
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The
inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert
are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the
shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains
between France and Spain. |
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Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
David was a Hebrew
king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of
people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had
500 wives
and 500 porcupines.
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Without the
Greeks, we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -
Corinthian,
Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One
myth says
that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he
became
intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also
wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by
Homer but by
another man of that name.
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Socrates
was a famous
Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.
Socrates
died from an overdose of wedlock.
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In the
Olympic Games,
Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The
reward
to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was
democratic
because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no
wars in
Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to
see what
their
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neighbors
were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were
outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the
Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one
place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their
hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects
by playing the fiddle to them. |
Then came
the Middle
Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of
Shivery,
King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of
Arc was
cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death
grew
boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free
man should
be hanged twice for the same offense.
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In midevil
times most of
the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was
Chaucer, who
wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale
tells of
William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
son's
head.
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The Renaissance was an age in which more
individuals felt
the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church
door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
being
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in
the female
nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of
great
inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter
Raleigh is
a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important
invention
was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world
with a
100-foot clipper.
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The government of England was a limited mockery.
Henry
VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen
Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When
Elizabeth exposed herself be fore her troops, they all shouted
"hurrah."
Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was
William
Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because
of his
plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies
and errors. In on of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady
Macbeth
tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.
Romeo and
Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as
Shakespear
was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author
was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and
he wrote "Paradise Regained."
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During
the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the
Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the 6cPilgrim's
Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by
Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before
them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the
Indian
heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal
to them.
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died
and many
babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. |
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One
of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the
English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
pacels
through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul
Revere was
throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks
crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay
for taxis.
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Delegates from the original thirteen states
formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each
arm. He
invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is
still
dead.
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● George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due
time
became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United
States
was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the
people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said: "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
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Meanwhile
in Europe, the
enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and
also
wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It
is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off
the trees.
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Bach was the most famous composer in the world,
and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was
very
large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even
though he
was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the
forest
even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
later
died for this.
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France was in a very serious state. The French
Revolution
was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme
song of the
French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars,
the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the
Spanish
gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.
Napoleon
became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
He wanted
an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn't
bear him any children.
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Sanjam,
spavam, šta god radim
u mislima mojim - tu si,
ti mi srce ludo razbi
žešće no Gruziju Rusi.
Razvešću se ja zbog tebe
ko onaj Nikola Sarkozi.
Ko kera ti biti veran
kad joj kažeš "aport - k'
nozi".
A kada te ukradem
ima da nakrivim fesić,
pa nek crknu od muke,
i Koštunica i Stipe Mesić.
Neka me sutra u'apse,
ma nek mi sledi kavez.
Prolupao sam ja zbog tebe
grđe nego Hugo Čavez.
Cmoki te
tvoj
velocihranitelj!
Pesma "Hugo Čavez" preuzeta iz zbirke
"Zna tuđu muku".
(autor pesme:
Velociraptor; za članicu: Idealno_loša; link)
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Djelatnici na šalteru "Zagrebačkog Aerodroma" bi trebalo odati prizanje na duhovitom i inteligentnom
odgovoru putniku koji je avionom trebao letjeti, u najboljem
slučaju, u
prostoru za prtljagu. Evo što
se je dogodilo: Zbog bure, let na relaciji Zagreb - Dubrovnik je otkazan. Vodič jedne turističke agencije je na šalteru radio re-booking za svoju poveću grupu nestrpljivih putnika, kada se jedan ljutiti gospodin progurao do šaltera. Bacio je svoju kartu na pult i uzviknuo: - Ja moram biti na ovom letu i to u prvoj klasi! Djelatnica na šalteru je odgovorila: - Gospodine, žao mi je, prvo moram napraviti rezervacije za grupu ljudi koja čeka. Ako budete strpljivi sigurna sam da ćemo vam na neki način moći |
izaći u susret. Ljutiti gospodin nije bio nimalo impresioniran i upitao je:
- Znate li vi uopće tko sam ja!?
Bez okljevanja,
djelatnica na šalteru
je uzela mikrofon i rekla:
- Molim cjenjene posjetitelje "Zagrebačkog Aerodroma" za trenutak pažnje. Na terminalu za domaće letove imamo putnika koji ne zna tko je. Ukoliko bilo tko može pomoći u otkrivanju njegovog identiteta, molimo hitno da se javi na šalter broj 2.
Usred histeričnog smjeha putnika koji su čekali u redu, nestrpljivi gospodin je bjesnim glasom dobacio djelatnici terminala:
- Jebo
te ja!
Na to je ona ljubazno odgovorila:
- Žao
mi je gospodine, ali i za to ćete trebati pričekati u redu.
Priču o profesoru Panti ispričao mi
je otac, davno. I ja se još dobro sećam tog profesora latinskog jezika
koji je
imao običaj da govori u stihovima:
Uči
reči da ti glava zveči!
Ko
ne uči reči – ima da se beči.
Ali đaci kao đaci, dogovore se kako
da zbune profesora, koji je inače bio divan čovek i koga su svi voleli.
Prozove tako Panta baš mog oca da
odgovara, a on kao iz topa:
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Profesore,
molim vas
nisam
spreman za vaš čas
jer
sam juče ceo dan
bio
nešto bolestan
Đaci u smeh, a Panta se namršti kao
oblak pred kišu i grmnu sa katedre:
Stih ti, brajko, nije loš
al' će biti tri za groš.
Neka ceo razred zna,
tebi Panta daje dva.
A ti sada lepo sedi
Pošto se pobedonosno osmehnuo, profesor je nastavio čas
kao da ništa nije bilo. I više nikad mali obešenjaci nisu klepali
stihove. Ko je znao, govorio je – u prozi.
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Na času fiskulture nastavnik razgovara s direktorom i ne
gleda učenike dok skaču u dalj. Dragiša se zalete, ali pred samom
linijom stade i otrča do nastanika. - Druže nastavniče,
kako sam skočio? - Samo tako nastavi
i biće sve u redu – odgovori nastavnik.
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Profesor biologije ulazi i počinje
ispitivanje. Red je došao na Ivana. Svima nam je laknulo kad je
"palo" pitanje: "Iz kojih delova se sastoji unutrašnje
uho?"
Ivan počne:
- Sastoji se
od čekića, nakovnja i...
- I...
podstiče ga profesor.
- I klešta
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